the thing about new years.

Without fail I have this tendency to hold on to the first day of the new year, trying to squeeze out all of the positive Mojo I can.  I rethink life, make grand plans, and conjure up a revolutionary resolution.  This year is no different.  Truly a part of me died not watching the ball drop or having a proper count down.  I substituted black eyed peas (not the music group) for asparagus and quinoa, and I failed on the first day of my "Bible in a Year" reading plan.

In my 26th year of life I have realized a pattern.  I'm fatalistically Type B, maybe even BB but I strive to be Type A. Though it's written in my name, it missed my DNA by a mile. Still, I live in a Type A world, and I struggle. I deeply struggle.  Ask anyone that knows me and they will tell you that I would be late for the rapture and I could care less about Dymos. On a low week I could even be mistaken for a dirty hippie.

Before I delve deeper I would like to make few disclaimers: 1)There are better personality theories than the pop psych "Type A/B", that lends itself to Seventeen magazine "Know Your Lover" type quizzes.  2) I have learned many glorious things from these "Type A" people.  I am better at paperwork, organizing the fridge, and I've decreased my tardiness to an average of 5-10 minutes.  

So as a result of this realization, my proclamation of this new year: "Cease striving and know that I am God"

strive |strīv|verb ( past strove |strōv|or strived ; past part. striven |strivən|or strived) [intrans. ]make great efforts to achieve or obtain something 

In Brennan Manning's "The Furious Longing of God" he writes a chapter titled "Union." I thought this was going to be a bridegroom wedding sort of chapter.  Instead, in this brief musing he surprised me with the harmonious melding of two little words: "rest" and "union."  He argues for John's theology as "abiding restful union."   In truth, so much of my striving is wrapped up in identity, fitting in, and finding my place. In all of my "striving" to meet the demands of an obnoxiously demanding world I forget the gift that I have to offer in my "Type Bness." In all of my striving I have forgotten my value and place of rest.

"Words such as union, fusion, and symbiosis hint at the ineffable oneness with Jesus that the apostle Paul experienced: 'It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me' (Gal 2:20).  No human word is even remotely adequate to convey the mysterious and furious longing of Jesus for you and me to live in His smile and hang on His words.  But union comes close, very close; it is a word pregnant with a reality that surpasses understanding, the only reality worth yearning for with love and patience, the only reality before which we should stay very quite. . . I've decided that if I had my life to live over again, I would not only climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets; I wouldn't only jettison my hot water bottle, raincoat, umbrella, parachute, and raft; I would not only go barefoot earlier in the spring and stay out later in the fall; but I would devote not one more minute to monitoring my spiritual growth. No, not one."  - Brennan Manning "The Furious Longing of God" 

"The entire process (of self-development) can be very exciting and entertaining. But the problem is there's no end to it. The fantasy is that if one heads in the right direction and just works hard enough to learn new things and grows enough to get self actualized, one will be there.  None of us is quite certain exactly where "there" is, but it obviously has something to do with resting. " - Gerald May as quoted by Manning.

So my new years resolution is to cease, in all of its useless ways, striving. to rest. to be free.